Getting Stoned

¡Hola! Just spent two glorious weeks south of the border---Mexico with good friends and family in a big ol' casa on the beach is a damned fine way to spend one's cumpleaño. As always, though, I was reminded of just how frustrating it is to grapple with a language barrier. I can get along OK in Spanish, but it's the casual conversation with the cashier at the store, the witty comeback for the tattooed boys on the corner that I long for. And who knows what I was really saying as those nice folks nodded their heads and smiled.

So, imagine my delight at the birthday gift I received, from four friends in attendance (setting: catered dinner for 20 under a palapa, on the roof of our lovely casa, overlooking Sayulita bay---oh, you'd like some thunder and lightning thrown in just to put it over the top?---done!).

Anyhoo, I'd been going on and on about getting the Rosetta Stone (after having done an online trial), and they're bankrollin' it! (I also like that on their site, it looks like Adele is happily learning Spanish. Rodando en las Profundidades, baby!) So, I'll be reporting back, letting you know how it goes. Of course, it will require many return trips to Meh-hee-co to gauge my progress... ¡Que padre!

Spice up your life, word freaks!

Hey, I think it's time for my annual blog post! Feeling like I may be on a roll (starting today), but we'll just see about that.

A recently heard mispronunciation of a foreign word has inspired me. This one just seems to give gringos fits: chipotle. CHI-POHT-LAY. Not chi-po-tel, nor chi-pol-tee (and it's just a humble smoke-dried jalapeño, BTW).

It always amuses me when English speakers adopt this sort of "well it's good enough, it's not in ENGLISH, after all" sort of attitude about the pronunciation of foreign words---as though they should get points just for making the effort at all, dammit.

On the other side of the peso is the over-pronunciation of this beauty: the fantastic habanero. Si, you read that right. No tilde over the n. This ultra-hot Capsicum hearkens from Havana, hence the n is just a simple n, starting with a silent h.

Adding an ñ to habanero is a perfect example of hyperforeignism: "a non-standard language form resulting from an unsuccessful attempt to apply the rules of a foreign language to a loan word (for example, the application of the rules of one language to a word borrowed from another)." In other words, forcing the pronunciation of one foreign word onto another. It's jalapeño, so it must be habañero, right? Um, wrong.

So, go ahead and order extra A-BAH-NEROS with confidence, mis amigos.

Too many words!

I'm sitting here listening to a writer, in the background, use the word verbiage over and over, incorrectly. I know I'm repeating myself, but, really.

From http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/verbage.html:

"Verbiage is an insulting term usually meant to disparage needlessly wordy prose. Don’t use it to mean simply wording. There is no such word as verbage."

Verbiage can also refer to very specific language used in a specific field, similar to nomenclature, but I've never heard it used correctly in that sense, either.

So, go with wording. Less is more, my friend. (Argh! He just said it again. I need ear buds and very loud Zeppelin.)
a

Feh!

Hey, you know what’s really, really difficult? Restarting a blog that you’ve neglected for six months (OK, maybe longer, but who’s counting). I’m over Shawn and Shaw (BTW, Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions: too many dated entries---revise and republish, please!); I was in a place, for months, too hot to even whine about (I honestly almost never did---probably wouldn’t have changed the weather); and then I had to have an old lady operation. Blah, blah, blah. Oy! Enough with the excuses!

I knew it was going to take more than the typical barrage of apostrophe-riddled plurals or Facebook entries sprinkled with “OMG, your so awsome!” to rekindle my ire. But today, it happened. I received several emails this morning with essentially the same cry of shock and awe: “Scrabble to allow proper nouns, spelling words backwards,” etc. I have to admit, it completely ruined my morning, and I struggled to figure out why.

I suppose, aside from the fact that Scrabble is the best game ever, it was messing with my nostalgia, man. My brother, sisters, and I starting playing Junior Scrabble with our Polish grandmother, our Babcia, as soon as she was sure we wouldn’t swallow the tiles. It’s been a reliable constant in my life, something I knew would never change. How could they?

Well, as it turns out, they didn’t. Like the worse gossip, someone (hmm… I wonder who?) plucked the most salient and outrageous nugget of the story, and neglected to report the rest. Yes, Hasbro will have a game that allows all that silly chicanery, but it’s a whole different animal. They’ve dubbed it Scrabble Trickster, and what better way to promote it than to pull a fast one on all of us overzealous word freaks. Well played!

Shawn & Shaw and more: 293 days to go

Yikes! If anyone is even reading this, I sort of fell off the map, huh? Actually, I'm just in a remote spot on it. Have been in a palapa in Yelapa, Mexico, for over a month, reached by car, plane, taxi, boat, then a walk through a swamp, then a river, then an old dirt path, then 119 rickety cement steps. So, it's been tough to get to the blog, but I'm back at it.

Still following Harry Shaw's Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions (which is now growing mold in the damp, humid weather here), but have decided to throw in other stuff, as I see it, as well. But, first, back to Harry.

SLANG

Harry suggests that one reason we all use slang is a desire to seem hip, or cool (or as Harry says, "with it"), and that it's a necessary part of casual conversation. Still, he believes that there are three reasons why slang should only be used "carefully and sparingly":

1. Laziness: Not surprisingly, slang is what we use when we can't be bothered, or are ill-equipped, to find more accurate, or original, words to convey what we're trying to say. It's easier to say "let's hang out" than "please come over for a nice home-cooked dinner and intelligent conversation."

2. Appropriateness: It's important to know when NOT to use slang. The example of a job interview keeps popping up, maybe because it's one of the most unnatural settings for many of us. In any case, best not to close any formal meeting with "Check ya later, dude."

3. Popularity/currency: The cool slang expression you trot out today will likely soon be out of fashion, and you may have missed the memo. If you have any doubts about that, Mr. Shaw gives these examples from 1975, noting that even these ultra-hip examples may not endure: beatnik, hornswoggle, scram, sockdologer (wha?), teenybopper. Indeed.

Now, on to other matters. To all you Facebookers out there: Is it my imagination, or is FB truly the ultimate breeding ground for poor word and grammar usage? Many seem to have bought in to this "it doesn't matter, it's only Facebook" mentality. It's still writing and, hopefully, communicating, and it's a fucking mess.

Worst repeat (and repeat, lather, repeat) offenses are YOUR instead of YOU'RE and the hideous misuse of endquotes. The endquote goes OUTSIDE of the period or comma, DAMN IT. It's up to all of us to be diligent word bitches and bastards. Go forth and punctuate!

Ah, it feels good to be back, and still a bitch.

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Shawn and Shaw: 334 days to go

"A euphemism is a softened, bland, inoffensive word or phrase used for one that may suggest something unpleasant, offensive, coarse, or blunt." For me, the most important word here is bland. There are exceptions, but I tend to think that euphemisms are 1. a cop-out and, 2. which is far worse, they deaden the impact of the word(s) they replace.

Shaw believes that the use of the real word(s), e.g., died rather than passed away (my example, not his) is generally the way to go, but points out that writers can go too far in the other direction merely to be offensive or shocking. This charming practice is called parrhesia. He gives the examples of saying grub instead of food, whore instead of prostitute, neither of which I find at all shocking, but that was in 1975.

There are a few ways to create euphemisms (who knew? Or, let's be honest, really cared?). One is called "expanding" or "widening": taking an icky word and making it into a longer, softened phrase: gonorrhea or herpes become social diseases. Or, you can avoid the whole subject you're dealing with altogether and substitute a completely unrelated, and inaccurate phrase: Instead of fucking or having sex, you merely slept with someone, or went to bed with someone. Add the modern hooking up, hanging out, got with, or my favorite, friends with benefits, to that list and you've entirely lost the whole damn point.

Lastly, if you simply can't find words to replace the word(s) you really mean, go with initials: WC for toilet (even bathroom and restroom are euphemisms---are you planning on bathing or resting when you ask the waiter where a toilet can be found?), JC for Jesus Christ (Shaw's example. I can't figure out when saying Jesus Christ would be inappropriate, except maybe at a bar mitzvah.)

Well, like it or not, euphemisms are here to stay. Here are some I can live with, followed by some I don't care for---oh, I mean hate. Some are Harry's, some are mine.

I don't mind these ones...

• birthday suit: naked (hey, being undressed can definitely be a party)
• ladies room: toilet (I just can't ask someone where the toilet is. I have never, however, in my entire life asked where the powder room or---horrors---where the little girls' room is. Gag.)
• tight, plastered, tipsy, tanked, and a hundred other euphemisms for drunk. It's actually fun to come up with new ones.
• round, curvy, pleasantly plump: fat. If you read my post a while back about the words we weren't allowed to say when we were kids, you'll know that this is one of them. It's illogical and even hypocritical of me, 'cause I generally think you should tell it like it is. But, since I have had some personal experience on the zaftig side of the scale, it just seems such an unpleasant little (ironically) word.

and from Mr. Shaw, some that I actually use and/or like. Hey, I'm just trying to be sensitive...

• chicken ranch: house of prostitution (OK, I have never used either of these terms, but somehow chicken ranch seems to fit.)
• fanny: buttocks (or, butt, Harry). I have never liked the word buttocks or butt, but careful trotting out fanny across the pond.
• curtains: death. I'm going to contradict myself in a minute, but I love the melodrama of this.
• it: sex appeal
• problem child: juvenile delinquent (both, however, are redundant)

And the worst of the worst, in my opinion:

• passed away, passed on, crossed over, departed or any other stupid way of saying died. Dead is as extreme as it gets and there is no use trying to make it anything other than what it is. I'm going to bet that the guy in the hospital bed, or falling from the roof, is not afraid of passing on; he's more likely afraid of DYING.
• all of the aforementioned expressions for sex. Again, it is what it is.
• made redundant, pink slipped, let go: fired. Hey, you took away someone's livelihood, so have the balls to say so. Even more pathetic when the person who got fired says it...

and we'll close with these from Harry. These are really just dated, not really horrible, just more ridiculous than usual:

• Chic Sale, commode, comfort station: toilet (Chic Sale? Um, what?)
• creative conflict: civil rights demonstration
• devouring element: fire
• delicious repast: a good meal
• experienced tires: retreads, recaps (Why bother? That's just weird.)
• foggy bottom: U.S. Department of State (not so dated, this one)
• glow: perspire, sweat
• lung affliction: tuberculosis (This is the worst kind of euphemism: so vague in it's effort to be inoffensive that you don't know what the hell someone is talking about. Irritating!)
• mistress: kept woman (Um, aren't those both euphemisms, Harry?)
• love child: illegitimate child, bastard (inglorious and otherwise)
• obsequies: funeral (never heard of it)
• trial marriage: free love (You mean you can just try it? And it's free?)
  And my favorite:
• succulent viands: appetizing food (those band names, they just keep a comin')

I know you think I'm going to close with a euphemism, but you just may be mistaken.

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Shawn and Shaw: 337 days to go

OK, here's a topic I LOVE: Idioms. They're quirky and odd and make one feel lucky not to have had to learn English as a second language.

There are some that seem obviously peculiar (the Greek root, incidentally, of idiom):

birds of a feather
naked eye
petty cash
put one's foot in one's mouth
all thumbs >>>>>>
black list
dark horse
toe the line
pay through the nose

Some are more subtle and, until I thought about how they would translate to a non-native speaker, I didn't think of them as idioms:

look alive

take for granted

make do

look forward to

Sometimes, it's just one word, used in an unusual (and incorrect, actually) way that makes an expression an idiom. They are so much a part of our vernacular that the correct term seems wrong, doesn't it?

according to (should be according with)

among themselves (among one another)

prior to (prior than)

aim to prove (aim at proving)

comply with (comply to)

And, believe it or not, all of these examples have the wrong preposition (though Shaw doesn't say what the right one is):

adjacent to

approve of

blend with

convict of

disapprove of

expert in

fond of

inferior to

jeer at

partial to

instruct in

punishable by

qualify for

sensitive to

worthy of

These all seem right to me. If you can find a site that tells what the correct preposition would be, please let me know; I couldn't find one.

And we'll end with a little quiz (my mother, BTW, sent along a perfect answer to the earlier quiz about the television sets). See if you can put the right idiomatic preposition after the following words. Extra credit (and big prizes): What would the correct preposition be?

advantage

agreeable

alien

amused

apart

append

A piece of cake, right?

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